Now...and Later

Dear Elijah,

Proverbs 4:25
Let your eyes look straight ahead;
fix your gaze directly before you.

Right now your eyes are blue . One day they might turn brown.

Right now your eyes explore our faces, shadows and lights, and ceiling fans. One day your eyes will see things that Mama and Daddy would rather you not see.

Right now I love to kiss your chubby cheeks. Daddy loves to pinch them. One day you won't want us to do that anymore.

Psalm 71:8
My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.

Right now you use your voice to tell us how you feel. Whether you are happy, or hungry, or wet, or uncomfortable. One day (probably in a blink) you will be using words to tell us these things. I pray that you also use your voice to give glory to the Lord.



Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Right now Mama loves to tickle and smooch on you. One day, you'll probably be embarrassed to kiss your Mama. I pray that doesn't last very long. One day, you'll want to kiss a girl - and I pray that you will make wise choices and guard her heart.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Right now your little heart beats so sweetly, content with the few things you need at this stage in life. One day, your heart will long for more and feel like its missing something. I pray that one day you will discover that missing something and ask Jesus to live in your heart.


Ecclesiastes 9:10
Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom.

Right now your hands are teeny tiny and they fit easily in my palm. One day you may create things with your hands, or fix things, or write things, or draw things.

Right now your long fingers wrap around your Daddy's finger. One day, you'll be too embarrassed to hold Mama or Daddy's hands.

Right now, your ring finger is just an ordinary finger. But one day, you may wear a ring on your finger and may be a husband and a father like Daddy. I pray that you will be a strong spiritual leader to a Godly wife!

Proverbs 4:26
Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.

Right now your little legs are skinny and scrawny. One day (we are working on it) they will be chubby and rolly!! And one day, very soon your legs will be helping you run and jump and play!



Isaiah 52:7
How beautiful on the mountains
are the feet of those who bring good news,
who proclaim peace,
who bring good tidings,
who proclaim salvation,
who say to Zion,
“Your God reigns!”

Right now your little feet remind me of Daddy's. I love to just hold your little foot in my hand and watch your toes curl around my finger. One day, your feet will carry you to many different places. I hope you follow your dreams, wherever they take you.



Psalm 3:5
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

Right now you sleep very little at a time. When you are awake briefly, you like to look at the world around you. One day very soon you will want to stay awake and play. Mama is excited for that!

Right now you don't let Mama get much rest or get much done. I don't know if that part will ever change!

Right know you want Mama to hold you and snuggle you while you sleep. And I know one day you will want to be independent and you won't want to be picked up or held anymore.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

You are already growing up so fast, baby boy. And I know it is all going to go by as if it's just a blink of the eye. I hope that in those hard moments when we are tired and frustrated because we don't understand each other - that Mama will remember how fleeing these moments are.



Psalm 127:3-5
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them....

You are a blessing to your family, Elijah Jeremiah. I hope you always know how much you are loved.

I love you.

Mama

Happy 1 Month Elijah!

Love,


Mama

Hats off to the World's Best Cat

It's not easy to say goodbye to a pet. Even when you know it's coming.


Sassy Sue Shouse graced this earth for 18 years and 11 months. She would have been 19 in just a few short weeks. 

She was quite a cat. I'd venture to say, the world's best cat. You see, Sassy had this magic about her. She could turn even the fiercest cat-haters into cat-lovers. 

18 years ago I was an 11 year old with a mission. My mission was to get a cat. I had to have a cat. I just knew I needed one. Sure, we had a dog and he was great. But I really needed a cat. 

I was awkward. Okay, I still am. I didn't have a lot of friends. A lot of the friends I did have were not the kind that love you for who you are. They were the kind that loved you for what you did for them in that moment. I did have a few great friends. But as eleven year olds do, we had our ins and outs. 

One of her protests of me going back to college. 

What I really needed, was a cat. 

One day, my dad and I stopped in to just "visit" a shelter. We weren't taking anything home, of course. I fell in love with black and white striped cat. My dad said no. He was already conceding to have a cat; he would not concede to having a black cat. 

This little spitfire of a calico cat was, meanwhile, hanging on the edge of her cage meowing as loud as she could. All four paws were on the door and she was basically screaming to get out of the cage. Apparently, she knew her family had arrived. My dad said, "What about this one?" And as soon as we let her out, that was it. We'd found our cat.

She was smart too. She knew my dad was a skeptic, so who did she go to right away? My dad, of course!

Sassy and her "Baby" Oz

Sassy thought she was a poodle. She was raised by our poodle, Fred. She even tried to nurse off of him. She would follow him around constantly bugging him. If she wasn't trying to snuggle with him, she was trying to play with him. She let him bathe her. Her entire head would be soaking wet from Fred licking her. 

Sassy and Sparky during their simply tolerating each other stage

When she wasn't with Fred, she was with me. I carried her everywhere with me. And eventually, I didn't have to carry her. She just came with me. 

Sassy loved helping with homework. Like stealing highlighter caps. 

Sassy was an amazing friend. She always listened. She came when you called her. She always came when I was crying. She would kiss my tears away. She would let me hold her paw when I was upset, even though she hated having her paws touched. I spent many days and nights pouring my heart out to her.

She's laying on a toy we called her "butt" because it was just the butt of an animal.
Ozzy had ripped the head off, but she still loved playing with it. 

She used to sit and watch the old black and white Superman episodes. 
She loved to play with a stuffed pig from McDonald's (Babe movie paraphernalia). 


She was so depressed when Fred died, that we bought her a dog. Her and my dad. She loved Ozzy fiercely, and tried to take care of him like any good mother would (including bathing his paws for him). She tolerated Sparky, until her Oz was gone and then Sparky became her best friend. 

Again with the homework help

As most cats do, she loved boxes and laying on papers. Especially papers you were using. She loved sitting on your lap. She liked looking backwards at you until you petted her head. She loved Buddig lunch meat. You couldn't get a package out of the refrigerator without her knowing. No matter how many times you did it, she'd always sniff your finger and rub her face on it when offered. Sassy hated goodbyes. She'd sit in a suitcase in protest. 

Leaving her in Illnois was hard, but she was so attached to her "Boys" that I knew it'd break her heart to take her away. Then she became diabetic, and we waited for her to go downhill. She surprised us all and held on for many more years. She outlived both her boys. 


For the past several years my visits home have become fewer and farther apart in time. Every time I came home though, she greeted me with love. I would pick her up and hug her and tell her how much she was loved. I would thank her for being a great cat, and let her know that she gets to call the shots. I've told her over and over for years to let us know when she is ready to go, and we'd let her go. Still she held on, still full of that spitfire spirit we first saw in her at the shelter 18 years ago. 


Then late last night, she had a seizure and took a turn for the worse. My heart aches for my dad, who had to watch her suffer for a little while. My dad prayed for her, and prayed for God to take her so she would no longer suffer. And after he prayed, God in His infinite grace took her. "Yet not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent." God cares for even the sparrow. I know He cared even for this sweet cat.


I can't explain fully in words what Sassy meant to me. She was a confidant, a friend, a comforter, all wrapped up in a feline body. She got me through many hard times with her unconditional love. 


I found this poem today, and I think it summarizes my heart well...

I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.

I thought about you yesterday, and days before that too.

I think of you in silence. 

I often speak your name.

Now all I have is memories, and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part.

God has you in his keeping.

I have you in my heart.

I love you Sassy Sue. Thanks for everything. I hope the love we gave you on earth was even a smidgen of repayment for the love and joy you brought to our lives.

To Heather on Her Wedding Day

Dearest Heather,

     I hope you know how much I wish I could be there for your special day. If it were anything other than giving birth, you know that I would be there! I have picked out some special charms for you. I do NOT expect you to wear this on your wedding day, but I wanted you to have it on this day to know that I am thinking of you. Here is what they are and why I picked them!

1.    Piglet - I of course had to pick a Winnie the Pooh charm, because you are the Piglet to my Pooh.

2.  Golden Snitch – I love that we get to share our love for HP together. If I could have found a basalisk charm, I would have gotten that! After all, we have to “Save Ginny Weasley.”

3.  Little Mermaid – I hope this makes you think of the times that we have been so silly together. (Poor Remy, with the 15 or so messages we left her.)

4.  Diploma Charm – SO grateful we met through college. And SO grateful for the time we had back together at graduation. Remember when Justin “rockstar-ed” the room? And the horse at Saddleranch, “I just want to climb up there and ride that horse.”

5.  Palm Tree – Palm trees ALWAYS make me think of you, but I hope they will help you to remember our time in California together. I know that we can never get it back, and I treasure the time we had SO MUCH!

6.  I Do Ring Box – I hope one day we are laughing as we tell our children how Elijah was born at the same time that you got married. Right now, my heart is still breaking!  

“Friendship," said Christopher Robin,

"is a very comforting thing to have.”

     It amazes me how many things had to be just right for us to meet. A few little changes here and there, and we would have never met. If I had picked a different university. If either of us had started a different semester. But God meant for us to meet! He knew we needed each other, and He knew that we were meant to be friends.

A girl from Illinois had to go all the way to California to meet her Soul Sister from Connecticut.

“How do you spell 'love'?" - Piglet

"You don't spell it...you feel it." – Pooh

     Do you remember that first day? Leslie assigned us as partners randomly. I didn’t know you well, just that you were interested in oncology patients too. I thought it was going to be awkward. I thought, “What are we going to talk about? This is going to be weird.” And I think that’s why we both agreed on a neutral place like Starbucks.

     You see, I was not prepared to meet you. I was not prepared for a friend. God had stripped me just months before. He had shown me how reliant on others I had been, and He took my friends from me. I thought He was doing this partly because California would be lonely. Boy was I surprised.

     That first day together at Starbucks…wasn’t awkward. It wasn’t weird. It just felt natural. It felt like two old friends getting together again. And from then on, I had found my best friend.

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”

     We have had a lot of fun together. We’ve had many silly times. Somehow being Leslie’s “outcasts” (because she couldn’t remember me, and thought you hated California) brought us even closer. I found in you the Piglet to my Pooh, the Anne to my Diana (and I think with you are the only one that I can say is more “Anne Shirley” than I am!).

     I love that we can visit a museum, watching a movie about Beavers, sit and talk for hours, or just do absolutely nothing together. I love that you never judge me, even if you don’t agree with me. I love that my mailbox is always full of love from you. I love that you just get it. I don’t have to explain myself, you just understand.

     I love that no matter how much it sucks that we are so far apart, we are never far apart in our hearts. I know I can call you anytime, and things won’t be awkward or weird.

     I was so blessed to have you be the Maid of Honor at my wedding. My family and friends were so blessed by you too. Everyone commented on how amazing you are. I simply told them, “That’s my Heather!” I hope you know I don’t take it for granted. I don’t take you for granted. I don’t ever want to take our friendship for granted!

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long.

If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

Today is one of those hard days. One of those days that my heart just breaks. I wish I could be there for your special day. I never expected to get pregnant so fast. In fact, I planned to have a baby in June! I NEVER expected that I would be giving birth while you are getting ready to go down the aisle. While I can never hold it against Elijah for keeping me away, a part of me will always wish that he could have been a little earlier, or a little later. But, if I controlled the world and the world’s timeline, I’d probably really muck it up. So it’s probably better that I leave it up to God.

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.

"Yes, Piglet?"

"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand,

"I just wanted to be sure of you.”

Know that I am thinking about you today. I am picturing you in your wedding dress, walking down the aisle to meet the man that will be (in a few short hours) your husband. And even though I’m not wearing a bridesmaid dress, and I am not walking down the aisle ahead of you – my heart is there.

I wish you every joy and happiness on this day. Relax. Let things come as they may…. You will be so tired at the end of it that you likely won’t remember what went wrong or even if you said “hello” to everyone.

And Randy…. He had better treat you right and cherish you every day! I hope he knows what a treasure he has in you. He is so lucky to be marrying my best friend, my sister. He is getting the BEST girl, and I hope he knows it. (And make sure he knows that if he doesn’t keep his act together, that I will “regulate!”) 

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember.

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think.

But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...

I'll always be with you.”

     God has called us to separate parts of the country for this busy time in our lives. I pray that it isn’t permanent that we are apart. I pray that one day we are sitting sipping coffee (decaf for you) watching our children play together. Telling them stories of us and our other friends. Telling them how hard it was when we were apart, but how joyful we were when we got to be together. You see, ours is one of those friendships that’s just worth it. It’s one of those that people sing songs and write stories about. It’s one I absolutely cherish.

     I don’t know if that will ever happen…if we’ll ever be living in the same place at the same time again. I pray it does. But if it doesn’t, I pray that we always go on loving each other no matter what. I pray that our friendship always fits like a well-loved pair of jeans.

     You are truly a kindred spirit. I am proud to call you my Soul Sister.

I love you today. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Forever. Always.

Happy wedding day!

Sherri

Welcome to the world!

Dear Elijah,
Tuesday, March 27th you made your arrival at 5:23 pm. You weighed 7 pounds and 4 ounces. You were 18 1\2 inches long.

The funny story is that you were scheduled for around 2pm but got delayed 3 hours. This was not so fun for Mama because I was at home feeling very dehydrated. I just wanted my IVF! Around 2:10 I got really uncomfortable and saw you move to one side completely. I told Daddy and Grandpa that I thought you moved and had finally turned around.

We had your ultrasound confirmation right before it was time to go to the OR. And you had turned! Dr. Juarez said I could go home and eat and wait for labor. Or I could do the c-section now as scheduled.

We checked your ultrasound for the cord - I was worried it was around your neck. It was definitely close to that area and we had a good chance of it falling out first if I went into labor. The other thing was that you still had your hands up on your head - like you have been doing all 3rd trimester. That would mean c-section if you didn't put them down in labor!

We also ran the risk of you flipping back again to where you were comfy.

So Daddy and I talked and I prayed that my gut instinct was right. That meant doing the c-section and trying to be safe rather than worry about emergencies.

The prep in the OR was when I got nervous. Daddy waited outside while I got my spinal - which took two tries because I have "good protective bones."

Daddy came in and stayed up behind the curtain. He did get a little curious but never did peek. I think it would be cool to see one in person!

Remember how I prayed that I was making the right choice? Well, I did! You had the cord around your neck, hands up on your head, and were face up! Three strikes against natural delivery!

Natalie had to put her whole body weight on my ribs/upper abdomen to try to help get you out! You kept bucking your head back. They had to use the suction on your head to help!

They finally got you out with a shout of, "he has a big head!"

When I first heard you cry I did the same thing as when I first heard your heartbeat! Mama giggled!

Daddy got to trim the cord (far from the spot where Mama was). They cleaned you up a bit to see me and then you and Daddy went to go get weighed and really cleaned up.

Mama lost twice the normal amount of blood (due to the wrestling match you put on) but other than that was good to go! I went back to triage and waited for you there. Everyone wanted a picture of you to see but at that time I had only seen you about 30 seconds! Daddy eventually brought me pictures to see and went back to you.

I really think that you had heard if you turned by your 2pm c-section you wouldn't have to come out today! So you fought hard to stay! Unfortunately Mama didn't agree with you!

Now - you are sleeping on my chest after we have finally figured out why you were having a hard time feeding (and it's Mamas fault - sorry for the chubby face!!!).

Daddy got teary when you opened your eyes for him. He and I and so many other friends and family members love you more than words!

Mama loves a praise and worship song that starts, "these are the days of Elijah" - and they certainly are!

We are excited to get to know you even better!

I love you, my son!
Mama


I typed this on my iPhone - so please excuse any typos!

Week 36!

Dear Elijah,


You should be about 6 pounds now, and about 18 inches. Dr. Juarez said that you are measuring on track.


You are still all tucked up in your little ball. The first comment the ultrasound technician made about you was that you have chubby cheeks! Poor kiddo, you're going to look like Mama!


Right now, we are planning on you arriving by c-section the week of March 26th. That's the best decision right now for both your safety and mine! 


Things are really snug for Mama. If you put your feet down, I think it'd be MUCH more comfortable. But as it is, I feel every time you move your feet!


Everyone talks about how we aren't going to get sleep once you are here. I think if you sleep three hours in a row, Mama will be happy. I can't remember the last time I slept three hours in a row! 


I think it will be funny to see how you like to sleep when you get here! Most babies like to be swaddled, but if you can't put your arms on your face and grab your feet - you might not be happy!


We're getting really excited to meet you. We have the basic things we need for you, so we're "ready." We're getting Toby groomed and his teeth cleaned, so hopefully his breath will be nice for you! 


Yesterday in the car I heard this song....

I started bawling. Your daddy already loves you SO much. We are so lucky to have daddy. He is excited to be a daddy and take care of his son! In fact, he would love to be the one to stay home and take care of you if he could. And I know he'd be great at it.




And he said, "Let me tell you a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us.
You see daddies don't just love their children every now and then.
It's a love without end, amen." 




Love, Mama

Third trimester - The First Half

*Warning, 3D ultrasound pictures attached. I am normally creeped out by them, so I am giving any readers forewarning!*


Dear Elijah,


Well kid, we're getting close. We are through the first half of the last trimester. We've got just a few more weeks to go together. 


Right now, you are weighing almost 5 pounds and are almost 18 inches long. But you like to stuff those 18 inches into a little tiny ball... And currently you are up by my stomach/ribs in a breech position with your legs tucked up with you. 


We tried to see you last week in a 3D/4D ultrasound. You kept your legs in front of your face, and one arm in front of your face. The other hand was holding your foot up by your head. You were NOT shy about showing off your man-parts. But you didn't want us to see your face!


Yesterday at the rescan, we were at least able to see your face. Your skeleton is hardening, and your fat layers are filling in. So we got to see your very chubby cheeks yesterday. Just like mommy. 


So, technically you could be born any time now and not have any significant medical issues. Your lungs might need a little help when you get here if you decided to come early. But, the way you are all tucked up it seems like you have NO intention of trying to make an early escape.


If you don't turn around on your own, we'll be meeting you the last week of March via c-section. We'll see what the doctor thinks when we go this week!

 Yep, that's your hand on the left side of the picture on your face, and your foot on the right side. I'm pretty sure you're holding onto your foot with your left hand too. 

Oy with the legs in the way, already!

 Look at those cheeks!

 This one is a little creepy. You're grimacing. You may be mid-hiccuping. Your hiccups were so big while we in there that I could feel them.

 This is a good shot of your nose!

 That weird looking stuff in the middle is a mix of umbilical cord and legs.

 Yep. Legs in front of you, hiding your face. Must be comfy!

That bubbly stuff is your umbilical cord!

I'm excited to meet you in God's timing, in God's way -- whatever that may be! 


I love you so much baby boy!


Love,
Mama